


I was changed forever by you, I wish I loved you in another way

by Minibagelqueen



Series: Avatar: After the War [3]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Character Death, Extramarital Affairs, Family Loss, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Multi, Oblivious Zuko (Avatar), Parent-Child Relationship, Protective Sokka (Avatar), Protective Zuko (Avatar), Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:13:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26320201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minibagelqueen/pseuds/Minibagelqueen
Summary: During one of the hottest summers in the Fire Nation capital Izumi falls ill. During the ensuing panic and waiting for her to recover, Zuko can't help but think back to when Mai got sick.This is a short - delving a little in to the relationship between Zuko and Mai just before Sokka swooped in and made his life worthwhile again.
Relationships: Mai & Zuko (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Avatar: After the War [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1849786
Comments: 20
Kudos: 73





	I was changed forever by you, I wish I loved you in another way

The weather had been particularly insufferable as of late. The worst summer that Zuko can remember and he felt especially bad for his new husband. He gave a concerned look across the meeting table. Even the old and hardened Councillors were struggling, tugging at collars and drinking copious amounts of water. Sokka faltered yet again, struggling to keep up. He just wanted to sleep. The only comfort he had was that the pompous Northern Water Tribe Ambassador was positively glowing with perspiration.   
Zuko took a deep breath, "Ladies... gentlemen... perhaps reconvening this meeting would be best for everyone? I can see we're all struggling in this weather." He sighed himself.   
"Yes My Lord. I believe that is a prudent course of action." Baak replied. Yam agreed and then there was a general murmur of agreement. Lazily everyone stood from the table and shuffled home. Zuko let out a puff of air. "This is so oppressive." He chuckled softly.   
"I've never known heat like this." Sokka groaned. "And I've been in the desert. Uh what I wouldn't give for some cactus juice right now. At least I wouldn't care about this heat."   
"We just need a good storm, then the heat will lift." Zuko explained as they headed into the slightly cooler corridors.   
"People have been saying that for days!" He whined.   
Zuko could all but look apologetic as they walked slowly towards their studies.   
He heard hurrying feet and turned, noticing Sokka's limited energy suddenly springing to action in automatic defence of his husband. But then both men relaxed, "Fire Lord Zuko!" It was Izumi's tutor. He looked haunted.   
"Qadan?" Zuko's voice went up an octave as he noticed his demeanor.   
"The Princess. She collapsed during her lesson. She's in her room. But.. she has a fever!" He had clearly been running all the way to find his lord.   
There wasn't even a moment's hesitation in the Fire Lord or the Prince. They were bolting down the hallway towards Izumi's room. The nine year old was indeed suffering from a fever. She already had nurses fussing over her. Cooling her with wetted towels.  
Zuko and Sokka were both wet with sweat. Some from the heat and humidity, but mostly from the fear creeping up on them both. Zuko quickly found a space next to Izumi on the bed, “What’s wrong with her?” He asked the nurse.   
“A fever, children her age often catch something, but with this heat, we just need to make sure she doesn’t overheat.” She said soothingly. “She needs rest.” She added. The others filtered out quietly as Zuko dabbed a wet cloth to Izumi who looked a little flushed and so, so tiny.   
Sokka stroked Zuko’s back comfortingly, “I’ll fetch another bowl.” He felt helpless. They couldn’t do anything but watch over her, keep her from getting so hot she might start fitting or get heat cramps.   
The entire afternoon had been cleared, their schedules freed up and both took turns watching whilst the other would get fresh water or cloth. Sokka knew Zuko wouldn’t sleep and he doubted he would either. So they just sat and spoke across Izumi, sometimes to her. She stirred slightly, but never really woke.   
As Zuko stared down at the little face of his daughter, he couldn’t help his thoughts drift away. He hadn’t felt like this, since…

  
_You don’t love me anymore, do you?_

The sound of laughter burst through the quiet of the garden as Zuko bent down and scooped the toddler up into his arms. He rested her on his hip and glanced up to see his wife round the corner. “Oh, Zuko.” She smiled softly, but it didn’t reach her eyes.  
“I have about ten minutes before my next meeting. I thought I’d take a quick stroll with you both?” He suggested.   
“That sounds nice.” She replied in her usual, flat tone. To anyone else it may seem like she didn’t care, but Zuko had known Mai for years, he knew she was lonely. He knew she was trying to tell him something. He knew something was wrong.   
He set Izumi down and she stumbled a little towards the fire lilies and shoved her face into one, getting yellow pollen all over her face. Mai sighed and rolled her eyes, “Izumi...we don’t stick our faces into things.” She used a hanky to brush the pollen away, “What if there had been a bee?” She asked gently. Izumi squirmed and hurried back towards her Father. He lifted her up again and tossed her into the air. She squealed in delight before Zuko caught her again. He frowned when he saw a couple of guards approach. “I believe this is my cue to leave.” He glanced up at Mai as he passed Izumi over, “Mai…” He began but it was too late, his baby sitters had been sent to collect him. He paused and turned back, “I’ll be there for supper.” He promised.   
“I’ll see you then.” She offered a weak smile. She knew something could easily come up between now and this evening. She nuzzled Izumi’s cheek, “Let’s get you inside and out of the sun.” She smiled. _She looked up to watch the back of her husband, his shoulders sagging, his gait, unsure. She let out a small breath, she couldn’t keep doing this._

_No, I do! I do love you!_

Zuko awoke with a start as Sokka placed a tender hand to his shoulder, “You were mumbling…” The Prince said with a crooked smile. “Izumi woke up a little too.”  
Zuko rubbed at his good eye and blinked the sleep away, “Did she say anything?”   
“Not really, just fell back to sleep pretty much straight away.” He sighed, “Look Zuko. You stay with Izumi today. I’ll take any meetings you have.”  
Zuko looked up and smiled, “Thanks, I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate anyway.” He admitted.   
“Her temperature's gone down, they’re sure she’s just caught something nasty.” He offered, “She’ll be fine.” He pressed a quick kiss to Zuko’s lips and headed out of the Princess’ room.   
Zuko turned back to gaze down at the girl. He started retelling her one of her favourite stories. Whether she heard him or not.

_But you’re not in love with me, right?_

A sweet kiss was pressed to the forehead of the Princess by the Fire Lord and his Queen and they both exited her room to retire to bed.   
“I’m sorry I couldn’t join you both for supper.” He winced as he bent to remove his boot.   
Mai looked up, concerned, “Are you okay?” She asked.   
“I just…” He sighed as he tugged his boots off and set them neatly by the foot of the bed. “I’ve pulled something in my neck, I think.” He looked glum. Zuko glanced to the bed and kept his head low. He’d crawl into it, again, feeling a distance between him and Mai, but too scared to question it.   
Mai settled herself behind Zuko and loosened his shirt enough for her to rub his neck. The silence wasn’t comfortable. The touch from his wife was comforting, it was working out the knots, but it wasn’t anything other than functional rubbing. There wasn’t the hint of passion, or wanting. Her fingers worked his muscles, before her hands stilled but still resting against him. “Zuko…” She said softly, but then went silent again.   
He swallowed hard, was tonight going to be the night they finally addressed what had been going on? They had been married four years and they had been happy, at first. But he was starting to quickly realise, Mai just wasn’t right for him. Maybe she felt the same? “You don’t love me anymore, do you?” Zuko rasped out.   
“No, I do! I do love you!” Mai gasped.   
“But you’re not in love with me, right?” He swallowed thickly, like his throat was full of syrup. He’d said it, he couldn’t take it back. He didn’t want to take it back.   
Mai removed her hands from him and sat back on her feet. Zuko didn’t move. The lack of an answer was almost like screaming in his ears. It was true.   
“Zuko…” Mai began, “I...I’m so sorry.” She whispered, the usual calm woman had water forming in the corner of her eyes.   
Zuko put his head in his hands. How had things become so messed up? And why was he suddenly so relieved?! How could he still feel hurt? He managed to swallow without choking and finally turned to look at Mai, “I’m not in love with you. Either.” He said barely loud enough to hear.   
Mai looked up at him, a single tear fell down her face, “You’re my best friend Zuko. You are! You’re the Father to my child, my Fire Lord. I love you, I just...I just can’t keep pretending anymore.” She finally sobbed.   
Zuko reached out to take one of her hands, “You don’t have to. Not with me.” He offered, “Things have been...wrong for a while.” He added. “I don’t know when it changed, but it did, didn’t it?” He couldn’t pinpoint it. He couldn’t narrow it down. Maybe it was just because they were older? They were parents and their focus had shifted away from each other. But there had been no intimacy for a long time. Not just around sex, but between the two of them. The closeness they had had was what Zuko missed the most.   
“I don’t know what went wrong either.” Mai said as she wiped her cheeks with a free hand. “You’ve been pulling away from me and I...I haven’t tried to chase you.” She managed feebly.   
“I’m sorry Mai. I know I’m not around much. I just...things are so busy and, I have a duty to our people…” He began.   
“I’m not blaming you Zuko!” She almost snapped. “This isn’t about fault. It’s just. What happened.” She said as her voice levelled out again. They sat in silence for a long time, each taking up a space on opposite sides of the bed. It was Mai who finally spoke, “What do we do now?” She whispered.   
“Carry on as normal, to everyone else.” Zuko said shamefully. Divorce was not an option. He had only been seen as a formidable leader and a good leader in recent months. He couldn’t become a divorced Fire Lord. But he hated Mai feeling trapped and bound to him. “But, we go back to being friends.” He hoped.   
“No matter what Zuko, you will always be my best friend.” She said. “I, I need to tell you something.” She looked at her lap, “I, I’ve been having feelings, for someone else.”  
Zuko tried not to react. That stung. That did hurt. That Mai could have found someone. Someone who could give her what he desperately wanted to. He had tried. He had tried so hard. He had wanted to be the husband she deserved. He wanted to give her passion. But he couldn’t. He kept his face turned away from her. “I don’t need to know who...yet.” He said carefully, trying to sound calm. “If, if things become serious, I need to know.” He added.   
“...what?” Mai asked, astonished. She knew he wasn’t in love with her, but she had thought he might get jealous. That was when she realised, when it finally hit her, it was over between them. It felt like a piece of her had fallen away.   
“If you wish, to...explore these feelings. I only need to know if it gets serious. Then we’ll have to work out how you can be discreet.” He didn’t know where these words were coming from. Guilt, perhaps?   
“You’re...you’re going to...stand by whilst I go after another man?” She asked, almost offended he could so easily let her go.   
“Mai...you deserve a chance to be happy.” He said simply. He wanted to feel jealous. He just felt loss.   
She pursed her lips, watching him, “And what about you Zuko?!” She snapped, “Don’t you deserve a chance to be happy?!” She asked, why was she getting so worked up for him. But as she gazed at her husband’s back, he looked so small, so accepting of things.   
“I have Izumi.” He pointed out, “The Nation is prospering and I really hope that I have you, still...looking after me.” He added, though his voice sounded weak, almost cracking at points. “That’s enough for me.” It wasn’t. He wanted love. He wanted someone who made him feel important. But he doubted that would ever happen now. But if Mai could find that person, the right person for her. He would help, in whatever way he could.   
“Why?!” Mai gasped, “Why do you always, always have to put everyone else first?! Why do you have to sit there...and let me go...so easily?!”  
“This isn’t easy!” He finally said, raising his voice. “You don’t think I wanted to be the husband you deserve?” He stood up to turn to look at her, “I don’t know why I can’t love you the way I should. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but you, you do deserve someone who understands how beautiful you are, how sweet and amazing. But it isn’t me. Not like that!” He said as tears finally threatened to fall. “I’ve tried Mai...I’ve tried so hard.” He said finally shaking with emotion.   
Mai stood up and walked over to him, “Sh, sh. I’m sorry. I shouted.” She said soothingly, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough, or...or what you really wanted.”  
“I don’t know what I want!” He admitted. “You’re more than enough. It’s me...there’s something wrong with me.” He cried into her embrace. 

  
_She's very ill..._

Izumi rubbed at her sleepy eyes. "My throat hurts Daddy." She sniffed.   
"Papa's bringing a treat, Sparkles." He soothed, stroking her hair.   
She sighed as she snuggled into him. He continued reading to her as the storm outside raged. The weather had finally broken and cooled the air slightly.   
When Sokka returned he grinned as he held out a bowl of slightly melted flavoured ice and fruit sorbet with all manner of sweets. It looked bright, sickeningly sweet and too much for the girl to finish on her own. So when he produced three spoons Zuko chuckled slightly. Izumi excitedly tucked in.   
Sokka looked over the top of her to Zuko and gave him one of his goofy smiles. He still couldn't believe they had ever kissed, let alone married.

_So how do we help her?_

To the outside world, The Fire Lord and his Queen were closer than ever. A happy fairy tale marriage. The type of love others were jealous of. Little Izumi grew more beautiful and bubbly every day and things seemed perfect, on the surface.   
Only Uncle, Ty Lee and Qadan knew different. Uncle because Zuko needed someone to talk to. Ty Lee because Mai needed someone to talk to. Qadan, because he was head over heels for the Queen and she was desperately in love with him back. It was an uneasy triangle. Sneaking around, hiding and lying to everyone else. But at least there was one thing Mai was thankful for, Zuko.   
Two years and he had been nothing but understanding, patient and quietly accepting. He’d help, where he could, hide the relationship. He’d suffer in silence with his own loneliness as he helped sneak Mai out so she could spend time with Qadan. She in turn tried so hard to find out what he needed. Suspecting, but never brave enough to ask. None of them knew how long this could go on for, but a tentative step in the right direction was being taken. But then, it all started to go wrong.  
“Ow!” Mai hissed one night at supper. Zuko raised his eyebrow. “I bit my cheek.” She said with a nervous smile. Zuko smirked slightly as he sipped his wine. The conversation settled back in and Mai dabbed at her cheek with a napkin. But it didn’t stop bleeding.   
The next morning Zuko woke up and glanced down at Mai, had she had a nose bleed in the night? “Mai…” He rocked her gently.   
She awoke and coughed, blood sputtering from her mouth. It wasn’t a lot, but a steady drip.   
“Mai?!” He gasped. “What…?”  
She investigated her mouth wondering if she had bit her cheek in her sleep, but there was one the mark from supper. “It…it hasn’t stopped bleeding. From last night.” She said as she looked up at Zuko. He lept off of the bed and quickly dressed. He demanded a healer be sent for and quickly helped get Izumi ready for her day so Mai could rest and be examined.   
It was midday when he was requested. “Fire Lord Zuko.” The head Healer spoke. She was an old and experienced woman who looked very concerned. He felt his stomach flip. “The Fire Queen, she is very ill.”   
Zuko kept his face impassive as he was quickly crumbling behind the facade. “How do we help her?” He asked quickly.   
“I think we should send for a Water Tribe Healer, they may be able to do something, we cannot?” She suggested. “Fire Lord Zuko.” She ended.   
“Do it. Immediately, send for Water Bending Master Katara!” He barked and turned to find his wife.   
She looked incredibly weak, laid out on their massive bed. He took in the scene before him. Several working nurses, doctors and healers busied themselves. All huddled around her, discussing this treatment and that treatment. When they noticed Zuko’s presence they bowed low and gave him and Mai some space. “Mai…” He said softly as she reached out her hand to him, “We’re going to send for Katara. You’ll be okay.” He pressed a kiss to her knuckles and she gave him a tired smile.   
She didn’t get better.   
Katara had come alone, leaving her children with Aang. She had studied a lot of texts on her way to the Fire Nation. She had asked many healers, herbalists and doctors on her journey to the city. She had desperately tried everything she could think of and Mai just grew weaker and weaker. She spent any moment not sleeping or trying to heal Mai in the library reading everything she could on her symptoms. Nothing promised she would get better.  
The Water Tribe woman looked up at Zuko with sad blue eyes. Weeks of no improvement. Weeks of no sign or promise. “I’m sorry Zuko...there’s nothing we can do.” She whispered. “Nothing is working and...she keeps bleeding.” She could feel her eyes betray her. She wasn’t close to Mai, but she was a friend of sorts and she was the wife of her friend. She was a good person too. Someone who was too young to be suffering like she was. She felt like she had failed them, failed the Fire Nation. Failed the world. Failed Zuko. She couldn’t save Mai. She didn't think anyone could. She shook her head, "I'm so sorry!" She let a few tears be shed. Zuko had wrapped his arms around her, letting her know no one blamed her.  
Zuko had retreated into a numbness that surrounded him. The Nobles admired his resilience. His staff thought he was being so brave. His friends knew he was just waiting to crack. He kept throwing himself into his work. Neglecting himself for Izumi's needs. She wasn't understanding what was happening to her Mama.  
"Zuko…" Mai croaked.   
"Yes Mai?" He held her hand gently.   
"Don't...don't take this upon yourself." She was firm on that. She could see the worry lines in his forehead. "Just...keep treating Izumi the same as well." She didn't want her wrapped in cotton wool. "She's a strong little girl. She'll…she'll surprise you. Keep her safe." She smiled fondly.   
"Mai...please...stop talking like this. We're still looking for an answer. A cure…" He began.   
Mai couldn't shake her head but she sighed, "Zuko.." she didn't have to say more, her tone was accepting. Finalistic. "Watch out...for him too...please?" She whispered and fell back to sleep.   
He choked back his grief. He waited and when he knew she wasn't going to wake, he slipped out to let out his anger in the garden.   
He practiced his forms until he collapsed to the floor. But the pain in his limbs couldn't distract him from the tightening ice around heart. Mai was his rock. Even though she wasn't the love of his life, she was still his best friend. The only person who didn't treat him any differently in the palace. She was leaving him. Forever. She had done no wrong to anyone. She didn't deserve this.  
It was a wet and cloudy day when it happened. Zuko was hosting a number of delegates, life carrying on as normal. His meetings and endless, endless duties provided a tiny distraction. Izumi had had a birthday, she had a tea party with her bedbound Mother, not grasping what was really happening still. She kept asking when her Mummy would be better. Zuko, shamefully, hadn’t been able to tell her she wouldn’t. He just kept saying he didn’t know. Maybe he still hoped?  
But when it happened, when Zuko had been ushered quickly away from his meeting, when Qadan had run to the royal room with Izumi and handed her over to the Fire Lord, it was so surreal. Zuko walked in and saw mourning nurses, they already had the veils over their heads.  
She looked peaceful at least, ethereal. So beautiful, so still. He couldn’t do anything but stare. Then Izumi saw her and it hit. Something struck her about the room. Her Mother, utterly unmoving. It reminded her of her fairy tale, the poisoned Princess. Dead. She wailed screaming for her Mama and his heart finally broke. But he didn’t cry.   
Qadan heard Izumi’s tormented sobs from outside the room and felt himself shake. He turned, walking slowly so as to not draw attention and headed to his private quarters. He locked the door. He walked through his entrance room. He closed his bedroom door and he let out a cry of utter anguish that he was scared someone had heard. He roared in pain and anger and sorrow. It wasn’t fair. She was too perfect to be taken so soon from him. He trashed his room and cursed the heavens for taking her.   
The Queen had been anointed and prepared according to tradition. Then had been laid out in the temple under the palace to rest for her seven days under the sun. Iroh and his mother, sister and Ikem were the only ones he trusted with Izumi and he finally managed to break away once they arrived.   
He hid from the oppressive, suffocating atmosphere in the palace up on the roof. He couldn't be seen from there. But it wasn't helping.   
He was restless. He found himself down by Mai’s flower garden and spotted a figure. He steadied and readied himself and announced his presence with a cough. Qadan panicked for a moment, hoping it wasn’t a guard catching him here, that would raise suspicions. He had nowhere else to go to feel close to her though. Not now. “Fi-Fire Lord Zuko.” He bowed. His eyes were haunted.   
“Please, Qadan. Please. Don’t do that. Not to me. Not now.” He begged. He glanced behind him to Mai’s favourite spot in the Palace and he saw the broken, hollow man in front of him. “Come with me.” He said as he hurried Qadan through the palace corridors, pushing him into the shadows when a patrol walked by.   
They made their way down the winding stairs to the under chapel and then through to the temple. He paused in front of the ornate wooden doors. Qadan knew where he had been taken but was shocked about it, “Fire Lord Zuko...this is…”  
“Take a moment to say goodbye to her...properly.” Zuko whispered. He didn’t need to explain himself anymore. Both men knew Qadan couldn’t own his grief, that he couldn’t openly mourn Mai. He knew that he couldn’t be allowed close at the funeral, that he’d never be able to share stories to his friends about the love of his life. Zuko knew this was harder on Qadan, than it was for himself. So he opened the doors and shut them behind the tutor, keeping watch. He heard Qadan sob out and cry why before he couldn’t pick out what else was being cried out in the room. He felt himself cracking, but still, he couldn’t cry.   
He had to be the grieving husband, but he was hiding behind the mask of the Fire Lord. He had to show strength and poise. So people forgave him for not showing his pain. His best friend, his companion, his Queen, his greatest ally was on the other side of that door, in body only. Gone. Gone from him.   
The funeral was a huge affair. Everyone wore black and gold with white sashes. Even Zuko’s friends from the other nations had donned the traditional mourning clothes of the Fire Nation. Qadan had taken sudden leave with the Fire Lord’s permission: A family member was needing him, or that was the story. Zuko had said he could return as Izumi’s tutor, when she was ready, if he could bear to be in the palace again. Zuko would leave that choice with him.   
The ceremony had been tender, but formal. The Fire Sages had performed various rights, the Avatar had been asked to offer his own blessings and Zuko had to give a traditional speech. It all felt sterile and unfeeling in the end.   
He was thankful for his friends and family, but he couldn't fathom why they all kept asking him how he felt. How was he supposed to answer them? He just kept getting frustrated and angry. Why couldn't they stop asking? That was everyone, besides Sokka. He hadn't made awkward conversation with him. He had simply sat in silence when they were alone. He had appreciated that.  
Sokka found Zuko in the corridor having just left a meeting. He had insisted on being kept busy. "Hey." Sokka smiled his usual smile.   
"Hey." Zuko tried to sound normal.   
"Soooo…" Sokka began. Zuko didn't want to hear what Sokka was about to say. How he understood. Or how he was there for him. No one was going to be there for him. Everyone was going to leave the palace, go back to their lives. Zuko leant against the wall. He waited.  
"Wanna spar?" The darker skinned man asked.  
"Spirits yes!" Zuko gasped thankfully.  
Soon enough the clang of metal sang out from the private training room. The two men had been at it for hours and Zuko was slipping. Sokka was trying not to go easy on him. He didn't know why but he knew what Zuko needed. He'd felt the same after Yue. He hadn't wanted people giving him sympathy, like it would make it all better. He just wanted to process it his own way. Healthy or not, he had been the same. Angry. Angry and venting.   
He managed to push forward and Zuko tumbled. One of his swords scattered across the floor away from him. He gasped and spun away from Sokka's strike but couldn't get his advantage back. He faltered and faltered and once again, Sokka won. Zuko cried out in frustration and grabbed his fallen sword. He got back into a defensive pose and Sokka indulged him one last time.   
Zuko was pinned again, this time on the floor, both swords out of reach and Sokka looming above him. He put his hands over his face and yelled out into his palms. It wasn't words, just noise. He found gentle but firm hands on his wrists prying his hands away. Blue eyes gazed back at him once the world came back into focus. "Stop now. I'm tired." He could go again, but this had stopped helping Zuko now.   
"I don't want to stop." Zuko said wrenching his hands away from Sokka. He stood up and grabbed his swords swinging them. He dropped his arms to his side, "When do you leave?"   
Sokka was shocked by the question but answered. "Tomorrow evening. I'm needed back in Republic City."   
Zuko laughed but it wasn't a happy sound, "Katara and Aang have already left. Uncle leaves in two days. Mother took Kiyi and Ikem yesterday. Toph will leave with you." He said, not turning to look at Sokka. "The Kyoshi Warriors have duties elsewhere…" No one was left. He only had Izumi to treat him as a normal person. He felt a gripping sadness sit deep within his chest. He missed Mai so much already and he didn't know what to do.   
Sokka looked down at his feet. He hated to leave his friend, but he couldn't stay. That damn job was sucking away his life. He didn't actually know what to say, "Zuko... tomorrow, I'll take Izumi if you'd like?" He offered. He didn't know why but that felt like he could take some of the weight off of his shoulders. Even for a few hours.   
Zuko turned to look at Sokka now. His eyes were glassy and threateningly wet.   
"You will?" He trusted Sokka, that would really help.   
"Really. I'll also shout at anyone who tries to steal your time. You need some silence...to...to breathe." He smiled such a fond, warm and knowing smile.   
Zuko couldn't explain it if asked but something finally broke. Like a landslide, it all came tumbling out. He dropped his swords, his shoulders shook and he finally cried. Maybe because Sokka was safe? He trusted him completely. Maybe because he had nothing left to distract him now? He found himself embraced by strong safe arms and he sobbed into Sokka's shoulder.   
The Water Tribe warrior held him tightly. He didn't say anything. He just rubbed soothing circles into his back. He held Zuko for a long time. Eventually the other man couldn't cry anymore.   
He walked him back to his chambers and let himself drift into his own thoughts as he walked back to his own room. He was going to miss Zuko. 

_I love you_

Zuko's brow wrinkled. He fluttered his eyes open and looked down at his arms. They were cradling his daughter. "Izumi?" She had been stirring and disturbed him. But he wasn't annoyed.   
"I said I love you Daddy." She smiled at him.   
"Oh…" He gave her a tender smile. "Well. I love you too Princess."   
"I'm sorry I scared you." She snuggled into his chest.   
"Izumi, don't ever be sorry for getting poorly." He soothed as he stroked her hair. "How are you feeling?"   
"Better...my head hurts." She shrugged. But she was past the worrying stage.   
"How about we sit in the window? Look out at the garden?" He suggested. She nodded and climbed out of bed. They headed outside to find a corridor that looked out over the turtleduck pond. They watched the rain beat down on top of a patrol and then the garden was empty again.   
"You were talking about Mama…" She said softly.   
Zuko glanced at the girl. "I was?"   
"When you feel asleep. You were talking about Mama." She added again.   
"Okay…" He didn't know how much she wanted to talk about Mai. He didn't want to upset her.   
"Do I look like her?" She asked curiously.   
Zuko studied her face. She did, a little, "Definitely her nose. Her smile." He answered.   
Izumi seemed satisfied with that answer because she didn't ask him anything else.   
A few days later Izumi was well enough to go to school and was happy to be with the children of the staff in the palace classroom. Her little episode all but nearly forgotten by the girl. But it had shook Zuko. He found himself sat cross legged in front of Mai’s grave. He had a bunch of fire lilies in his hands, but he didn’t want to just place them an leave. He looked around him and let out a sigh, “Am I doing okay Mai?” He asked gently. “I still feel so unbelievably out of control sometimes.” He frowned. He wanted to talk but he didn’t want to burden Sokka with these thoughts. He didn’t want to admit to having them with his husband. He knew it was stupid and keeping things from him never lasted for long. But he just couldn’t lift himself out of the dark ‘what ifs’ of things to come. What if Izumi hadn’t gotten better? What if he lost Sokka the same way he lost Mai?! “After so long...I still just want to talk to you, sometimes.” He twisted the flowers in his hands a little. He reached forward and placed the flowers next to the headstone. He wiped a tear from his eye. “I miss you.” He admitted in a whisper. He sat in silence for a long time, thinking things. Willing somehow maybe it would reach wherever Mai was. Or he’d get some sense of peace from acknowledging his worries.   
He stood up and turned and paused, he spotted Sokka hovering just slightly out of the way. “Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you.” He said softly.   
“It’s okay Sokka. I was just…” What was he doing? “I was just, sitting out here.”  
“Is anything wrong?” He asked gently.   
“No. Not really.” He closed his eyes, “I just…” Mai had once broke up with him about keeping secrets. About being closed off to her. He couldn’t ever make Sokka feel the way Mai had. He trusted him. He trusted him enough to be weak. “I sometimes can’t stop worrying about the future...to the point I feel sick.” He admitted.   
“Thank you for telling me, now I know it’s nothing to do with me.” He smiled weakly.   
“Of course Sokka!” He’d already made Sokka feel bad. He was useless.   
“I guess with Izumi getting sick, it must have brought up a lot…?” Sokka asked as he gently placed his hands on to Zuko’s waist. Zuko nodded. “What about the future are you worrying about?”   
“Hmph...what am I not?!” He sighed and rested his head on Sokka’s shoulder. “If I lose Izumi...or you...I don’t think I’d survive the heart ache.” He whispered.   
“Well...I’m not planning on going anywhere. Neither is Izumi.” He gave his husband a light squeeze. “We can’t do much more than wait until fate throws something our way huh?” He turned his head slightly to plant a kiss to the top of Zuko’s.   
“I know. I know. I just...I love you both so much.” He frowned.   
Sokka sighed, “We both love you too.” He squeezed him tighter. “I want to be with you as long as humanly possible Zuko. I want to be with you in the next life and the life beyond. For eternity, in all worlds and every universe. I want to be with you in every possible way.” He said. “I will do everything in my power to stay with you.” He felt the heavy atmosphere.   
“I know you will.” He wrapped his arms around Sokka. He didn’t have to tell him that he wanted the same, Sokka knew. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, hope you like this little snipet of married life before Sokka! I feel like I needed to show Mai's soft side, their complicated relationship and ultimately the tender friendship they shared. She really was Zuko's rock, even though he couldn't love her the way he desperately tried to. Her death did devestate him, she was a part of the happy life he had. When she passed, he was so lost and it was Sokka who brought him back.
> 
> I always appreciate feedback and enjoy sharing thoughts and ideas. I'm happy to debate, throw thoughts about and hopefully catch on to something inspirational.  
> If you like this and are intestered in my work, please check out my devi page! There's some original works and a lot of Avatar fanart.  
>  https://www.deviantart.com/linzilttl/gallery


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